What's the point?

I asked myself for several years, with all this pain and suffering, what's the point? What is the point to all this? You live, learn, love, hurt, die and then there's nothing left. As a child, I believed in God. As an adult I had become estranged to God in many respects. But the reality is, after my suicide attempts I was left looking at everything and wondering, What's the point?

Yes, I was having an existential crisis. A lot of people do. Some go out and buy expensive cars. Others, well I guess we finally find the truth.

A Continuation Of World Without a Filter

It's been a couple of days or four since I first wrote about my experience without my 'prescription sunglasses'. In truth, there was nothing prescription about them, except that I have light sensitivities related to epilepsy, migraines and headaches. I've gone three days at work (outside) without sunglasses, except when I'm driving on the highway. I can honestly say that a few days ago when I first experienced no pain without shades, was not a once off. God has done something in me. 

I also neglected to mention I have what I suspect is Occipital neuralgia. I get shooting pains that start in the back of my skull and travel up to the top of my head. It's an intense pain. It doesn't last a long time, but it can be pretty powerful. I've since looked up some of the associated side-effects. Light sensitivity is one of them. And yes, I still get the sensations. I had one earlier today. It causes one to grab at their head to try and stop the pain. It's pressure and pain rolled into one and I can feel it moving as it travels north on my skull. I've had this for about eight months. I neglected to tell my neurologist, but will.

People think miracles don't happen, can't happen. But the next time I see my neurologist and tell him about the suspected Occipital neuralgia, I'm going to tell him that my light sensitivity is gone and my headaches are reduced (how's that for a weird dichotomy?) and he's probably going to smile and say "that's nice", "I'm happy for you", etc etc, but the reality is, nobody can explain this. I'm pretty sure you don't grow out of light sensitivity at my age when your eyesight is still 100% and you're still taking the same 'light-enhancing' medication!  

 Praise God!

My Notes for Pilgrim's Progress

I started reading Pilgrim's Progress, by John Bunyan.  If you are interested in a free reading copy, there is a free PDF: https://www.gutenberg.org/files/39452/39452-h/39452-h.htm There are also many versions of it in physical format.

In my first sitting with this book, I took particular notice of the children named, Passion and Patience. The children were to each get an inheritance, but Passion wanted theirs immediately so they could enjoy it now. Patience wanted to wait. So Passion received their inheritance and it was gone pretty quick. Patience waited patiently and knowing their inheritance was still available. While this is grossly (and I mean grossly) paraphrased, I was reminded of the scripture, which yes, I had to look up to find out which book it came from,

What does it profit a man to gain the whole world, only to lose his soul? - Mark 8:36

Strange Land: Check Your Programming

 A diversion from what I'm writing, to some degree. 

It's been suggested I read Pilgrim's Progress, by Bunyan. I get the gist that story, written in poem form is about someone moving from the land of destruction (Earth and our present life) toward Eternity and essentially our quest to go home.  Without having read it, here's my take on what I've heard about it.

None of us truly belong here. This is not the final destination. This life, is merely a road we are on. Our body is the vehicle. But who is driving it? We are inundated with advertising, social media, television, movies, video games, text messages, direct mailings. We are completely inundated with distraction and coercion. Buy that, do this, eat that, wear this, succeed in that, vote for them, hate the other crowd. 

Small and Significant

 

2

I've heard about people who have had things happen to them spiritually, that is seemingly instantaneous. But for me, I don't think this was it. Taking a step out, even in desperation is a step nonetheless. 

The Awakening

1: Letting Go of Rage

It's hard to explain exactly how to start this, except to say that I'm in the throws of a spiritual awakening. My mother says that I've had one, but I say, no, I'm still waking. 

Three and a half years ago I attempted suicide. Twice. Ever since, it has been a struggle to motivate myself not to complete the task. Once you complete steps to cross that threshold, it's easier to want to do it again. With the epidemic becoming pandemic, my 8-years-in-the-planning trip overseas being canceled, it was hard to contain the rage growing inside me. A simple request by public health experts around the world was: stay put. If we all do it, we'll burn this thing out and life goes back to normal. A bare  blip on the radar in the annals of history. But no, we couldn't be told what to do because everyone complained, "I've got rights!"

 I became angry. Short-fused, less patient. I'm normally a pretty patient person. And then one day while working, I said to God, "your shoulders are bigger than mine. I can't handle this anymore".