Small and Significant

 

2

I've heard about people who have had things happen to them spiritually, that is seemingly instantaneous. But for me, I don't think this was it. Taking a step out, even in desperation is a step nonetheless. 

The Awakening

1: Letting Go of Rage

It's hard to explain exactly how to start this, except to say that I'm in the throws of a spiritual awakening. My mother says that I've had one, but I say, no, I'm still waking. 

Three and a half years ago I attempted suicide. Twice. Ever since, it has been a struggle to motivate myself not to complete the task. Once you complete steps to cross that threshold, it's easier to want to do it again. With the epidemic becoming pandemic, my 8-years-in-the-planning trip overseas being canceled, it was hard to contain the rage growing inside me. A simple request by public health experts around the world was: stay put. If we all do it, we'll burn this thing out and life goes back to normal. A bare  blip on the radar in the annals of history. But no, we couldn't be told what to do because everyone complained, "I've got rights!"

 I became angry. Short-fused, less patient. I'm normally a pretty patient person. And then one day while working, I said to God, "your shoulders are bigger than mine. I can't handle this anymore". 

Grief without death. Living with permanent homesickness.

 Grief manifests itself in many ways. It wasn't until recently that I realized I had been dealing with grief for a decade. The irony is, nobody had died to have caused that grief.